Thursday, December 26, 2013

Dear Ant...

I want to start this off by saying I'm sorry. If you are reading this then I have been gone for quite some time. I really should have left you with some sort of explanation, but with everything you were going through I didn't want to burden you with my problems. I know that if I talked this out with you I still would have made the decision that I made. Don't ever feel like you failed me, you made my life so much better. I held on for longer because of you. You have always inspired me, but things have just gotten to the point where making this decision for myself is a lot better for me. I'm sorry, because the last thing I'd ever want to do is to cause you any kind of pain, but I know you and I know you can deal with this.

I can only imagine the shit you've been going through. With Amanda, work, school, everything. I know you can handle all of this, because you are a warrior. I've told you time and time again. Like you said, everything happens for a reason, right? You got this. I just feel horrible because I feel like what I'm about to do will cause you to feel abandoned. I don't want to leave my partner in crime, but I do think it's time for us to deal with our own stuff as individuals. I know, you'll probably think I took the easy way out, that I ran away, I'd hate to have to be put in the same category as Ellie, but I do hope that I helped shape your life in the same way you helped shape mine.

You're the best in the world, you're my spaceboy, the warrior, Blue, the black sheep, Party Poison, the mouth from the south, but to me you'll always be the man on the moon. You are too good for this world, and me? I just can't handle this world anymore. I'm glad you were in my life, and I adore you and love you for every second you spent with me. Whether it be on the phone, or on Skype, watching Beast Wars, Star Wars, playing Yellow Version, talking about what Hot Topic has in stock in California, watching horrendous music videos, or even talking about The Walking Dead. You will always be The Man On The Moon. It's unfair all the shit that you go through on the daily. I've seen you at your happiest, and then I've seen you crash down. This world is ugly, and you are a shining light of hope. Don't let them call you crazy, don't let them hold you down. You get right back up, you stand up, dust yourself off and you fight, not because you want to, but because you need to. You are a warrior, that is your gift and your curse.

Do me a favor, ease up with the cocky arrogant shit. It is you to a certain extent, but just like every single one of your exes knows there is that sweet side to you. You are one of the most gentle people I have ever met. You are sweet, caring, and you love unconditionally. Goddamn, do you ever love unconditionally. You have such a huge heart, one that eclipses any size of an ego that you can ever have. You are a miracle to anyone and everyone who's life you touch. Tear down those walls and let more people in. Let the world know how amazing you are by showing it and not just talking about it. You have so much to offer this world.

I know you'll never do what I am about to do, because you aren't a quitter. You will never take the easy way out. You are a much better person than I could ever be. I'm sorry if this makes you cry. That wasn't my intention. I didn't want to post this on Christmas, and I didn't want to post this too close to New Year's. I figured this would be a good day to do it. I want you to remember everything that you taught me, and all the time we spent together. I want you to hold the memories close, all the good times, all the bad times, everything that has caused you an ounce of pain, and I want you to keep that mentality that you've always had, and create something beautiful out of that pain.

You have always been able to see the happiness through the smog. You have always been able to see a deeper meaning into things. You say it's because of your bipolar disorder, I say it's because you are amazing. Remember that time you and I were in San Francisco and we stared at the bay, and you talked about the moonlight on the water, and how you could look into the colors and find a whole other world in it? That still amazes me. And I know you did the same thing with Amanda at Applebee's. Remember? The lamp? YOu have always been able to take something out of nothing. Silent Radio, blog after blog, THE END, Keep Running, you have always been able to see the good in things, the good in people, even when they don't deserve a second chance, you have always been there to offer it, but how many times have you been given a second chance? People are stupid, Ant. People tend to push you away because deep down they see the same thing I do, you are too good for this world, and they aren't good enough to be with someone like you. Now don't let this go to your head! The last thing we need is for your ego to be inflated even more than it is, but I want you to know that I didn't just run away without saying goodbye.

I love you bugslut, and I always will. You will never know how much you impacted my life, and you will never understand how much you mean to me. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me for what I have to do, and please don't ever forget me. Every time you feel alone, I'll be there. Every time you watch an episode of Beast Wars I'll be right there with you. Any time you want to talk, just speak, and I'll be listening. I love you. Please hang in there, and know that you are better than all of this. You'll be fine. It's ironic, I've always said love and rockets, and to me you've always been the man on the moon. I guess I'm just going to go build my rocket now, so hopefully one day I'll see you again. Stay strong, warrior.

Love & Rockets,

ps: Don't you ever stop loving. That's your gift to the world. Keep on loving, and keep on seeing the good in things. Always.

1 comment:

  1. I love you too, my PIC. I miss you. Thank you for writing this. I think I really did need this. And I KNOW I will see you again some day...when it's time. I love you, bugslut.